Life, it's beautiful. It's also tragic and it's short. The things that you always put out in the future will remain in the future and then, before you know it, they're forever out of reach. Be careful about putting things off. You may never get another chance.
As most of you may already know, my family lost my grandma from my dad's side. It has become something that will probably bother me for the rest of my life.Why? Because one Friday I had made plans in my mind to go see her on Monday of the next week and before Saturday had dawned, she was gone. Since then a lot of things have become more urgent to me. I no longer want to miss an opportunity to say an "I love you." Or give a needed hug. I don't want to miss an opportunity to listen and learn, to give and care. I have been so selfish and self centered that I forgot what was important. Remember what is truly important. Please.
Another thing has been happening to me which may be linked to my grandma's passing.(or not. I have really no idea where it came from, truthfully) I have been peeling off a mask which I have been crafting for many years, like a paper mache mask that I have been making, adding layer to layer upon layer in an attempt to be who the situation and group of people I was around required. I had become something I hated. In fact, I have no idea what I was. I was afraid to like or dislike something too much lest it be unfitting. I suppose you could say I have been very lukewarm. I am starting to see that I have been a very cruel and haughty person. Disgusting, really. All I want is to be honest and caring. Like me or leave me, love me or hate me. I don't care anymore. I will be me. :)
I think all these things are coming together combined with the fact that I am feeling strange about becoming 24 years old. I feel as though I have accomplished little to nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have been so afraid of doing the "wrong thing" that I have been frozen in my tracks. I have let too many possibilities slip through my fingers and I am tired of losing them. I want now to grab a hold of as many opportunities that will build up to the end goal that I want to see myself headed towards. But that's the thing, all this time I have been so afraid to have any affections that I don't REALLY know what I want. Is it bad to not have something particular that you want to do, maybe not, but I feel like my years of apathy have left me a little hollowed out.
I am starting to get to the age where people in my age group are starting to blaze a trail in their lives. A place where they are starting to figure it out and starting to find what some would call success. But all this time when they've been building a foundation I have been trying not to do something "wrong." And have no foundation and no plan. I guess you could say that I am a late bloomer and I hope that's the case.
I guess what I am trying to get across is that you should be who you were made to be. Don't try to be someone that you are not. God gave you a UNIQUE personality because he likes individuals, not robots. I am reverting back to the Brandon that I once knew and it has been so refreshing. I feel like I am coming back to life. Don't be afraid to try doors, if they're not budging, move on. You might find that which you enjoy and what God has made you for. That's what I think I'm going to do.
All this and I cannot forget that God ultimately knows what he has for me. I am thankful that he is merciful and forgiving. I cannot continue on without his constant guidance and I cannot go on in my strength and wisdom or that of another man, it must be God alone.
I'm not saying that it will always be easy and I'm not saying that it will always be fun: every road has it's bumps. But it will be more fulfilling, of that I am sure.
Psalm 37:23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.
24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
